Many women do not fall in love only with the man standing in front of them. They also fall in love with the man they can imagine him becoming. They see the tenderness beneath his defensiveness, the ambition beneath his lack of direction, or the emotionally available partner who might emerge if he healed his wounds, stopped drinking, found the right career, went to therapy, or finally felt secure enough to let them in. That vision may not be imaginary. He may genuinely possess

What happens when something that excites you also makes you uncomfortable with yourself? Perhaps a fantasy involves embarrassment, exposure, submission, or words you would never welcome outside a sexual context. You may enjoy the fantasy and then question it afterward: Why do I want this? What does it say about me? Sexuality does not always follow the rules we use to organize the rest of our lives. An erotic interest can be worth exploring without treating it as evidence that