Attachment Styles & Your Relationships

Why is it that some people crave closeness in relationships while others seem to pull away when things get too intimate? Or why do certain patterns keep repeating in your romantic or even platonic relationships? By conceptualizing the ways we connect with others as "attachment styles," we may gain an understanding of these larger patterns.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are the ways we relate to others emotionally—especially in close relationships. They stem from our early interactions with caregivers and shape how we connect, trust, and depend on others throughout our lives.

Psychologists originally identified these patterns in children, but research shows they continue into adulthood, influencing everything from romantic relationships to friendships and even how we see ourselves.

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust others, communicate openly, and handle conflict in healthy ways. They grew up with caregivers who were emotionally available and responsive.

In relationships: They’re typically warm, dependable, and able to set boundaries without guilt or fear of abandonment.

Key traits include:

• Comfortable giving and receiving love

• Able to express needs without anxiety

• Bounce back from conflict with connection

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

Those with an anxious attachment style often worry about being abandoned or unloved. They crave closeness but may feel unsure if their partner truly cares, leading to clinginess or emotional ups and downs.

In relationships: They may seek constant reassurance, become overly focused on their partner, or fear rejection even in secure situations.

Key traits include:

• Worrying about partner’s commitment

• Feeling "too much" or "not enough"

• Difficulty being alone or self-soothing

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

Avoidant individuals value independence and often struggle with emotional intimacy. They might downplay their feelings or keep partners at a distance to protect themselves from vulnerability.

In relationships: They can appear aloof, emotionally unavailable, or uncomfortable with too much closeness.

Key traits include:

• Feeling smothered in close relationships

• Avoiding vulnerability

• Difficulty depending on others

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

This style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant types. People with this attachment often want intimacy but fear getting hurt. This can lead to a push-pull dynamic—craving closeness one moment and shutting down the next.

In relationships: They may have experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving in early life and often struggle with trusting both themselves and others.

Key traits include:

• Intense fear of rejection and abandonment

• Difficulty regulating emotions

• Conflicted desire for intimacy and isolation

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes—attachment is not a life sentence. With self-awareness, healthy relationships, and sometimes therapy, people can shift toward a more secure attachment style. This process often involves:

• Identifying patterns from past relationships

• Learning emotional regulation skills

• Practicing healthy communication and boundaries

Why It Matters

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize emotional triggers, improve your relationships, and foster deeper self-compassion. Whether you’re navigating a romantic relationship, building friendships, or exploring your own healing journey, knowing your style is a powerful first step.

Closing Thoughts

Your attachment style is a map—not a destiny. By becoming aware of how you connect with others, you open the door to more authentic, fulfilling, and emotionally safe relationships. Our relationships are fluid and dynamic, and they may move from Anxious/Avoidant to Avoidant/Avoidant, to Secure/Secure. We all change as people throughout our lives, and our relationships often change in tandem. Your attachment style, like your genes, is not destiny; there are no foregone conclusions.