Children of the Shadows: Suicide & IFS

When a family experiences suicide, the impact is profound and lasting. The loss is not only emotional—it can alter how a family relates to each other and how future generations understand grief, vulnerability, and mental health. Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, offers a helpful lens for understanding how these patterns are carried forward—and how they can be healed.

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The Legacy of Suicide Across Generations

Suicide introduces a rupture into the emotional fabric of a family. In the aftermath, loved ones are often left with overwhelming feelings—grief, guilt, anger, confusion. For many, these feelings become too painful to face directly, and so they get pushed aside. Family members may use verbiage such as "we buried it," and "I pushed it deep down." Families might stop talking about the person who died. Children might receive vague or incomplete explanations. Adults might focus on “moving on” rather than processing the loss.

However, this often-buried pain doesn't simply disappear - it is not resolved through dismissal, but rather it becomes internalized. The therapeutic framework known as Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers us unique, non-pathologizing perspectives and understanding of the emotional processes which often occur in the aftermath of a suicide. In IFS terms, parts of the "Self" emerge to protect us from being overwhelmed by that pain. These are known as protectors. For example, someone who lost a sibling to suicide may have a part that becomes overly responsible or controlling to prevent further loss. Another part might become emotionally numb, avoiding connection altogether to avoid future heartbreak. Over time, these parts can shape not just an individual’s behavior, but the emotional culture of the entire family. Indeed, the impact of the traumatic loss of suicide reaches far beyond those unfortunate ones who witness the actual dead; while the trauma experienced by observers of bodies hung from rafters or cold blue loved ones hold a particularly awful pain, the trauma of suicide sprawls across family systems like a shadow long-cast.

IFS and Inherited Emotional Roles

IFS views the mind as made up of sub-personalities or “parts,” each with its own perspective, feelings, and role. In families affected by suicide, certain parts can become dominant across generations. A child might inherit an anxious protector part from a parent who never healed their own grief. Another might develop a caretaker part, sensing from an early age that they must manage others' emotions.

Even if the suicide occurred before a person was born, its emotional residue can be passed down. These inherited parts carry not only pain but also deeply held beliefs: “Talking about feelings is dangerous.” “I have to be strong for everyone else.” “If I’m not perfect, I’ll be abandoned.” These internal messages are often invisible but powerful, guiding behavior without conscious awareness.

Healing the Family System with IFS

The IFS model offers a path to healing by helping individuals identify and understand their parts—especially the ones shaped by family trauma. A person might begin to notice that a part of them becomes panicked when someone they love is upset, or that they shut down emotionally in response to conflict. Through guided exploration, they can begin to hear from these parts and learn what they’re protecting.

Most importantly, IFS helps individuals access their Self—a core state characterized by compassion, curiosity, calm, and confidence. When Self is present, parts begin to feel safe. They no longer need to hold their extreme roles. Over time, protectors can soften, wounded and weeping exiles can be unburdened, and the internal system can become more balanced. Our exiles are like the suffering children of the shadows of the mind, and when they are allowed to step forward and finally speak, they can become heard and nurtured by Self. Even if their message is something like "it was my fault," when they are ultimately comfortable enough to speak and be held, our exiles can begin to become unburdened.

When one family member begins this healing work, it can shift the entire emotional system. Patterns of silence can be replaced with open conversation. Generational burdens can be recognized and released. When one of us begins to unburden and incorporate our wounded children of the shadows, other family members can begin to make space for their own. Children can grow up with a different experience—one in which emotions are welcomed, support is accessible, and mental health is valued.

A New Inheritance

Suicide may cast a long shadow over families, but healing is possible. Through IFS, individuals can break cycles of inherited pain and offer something new to future generations: emotional honesty, internal safety, and a deeper connection to themselves and their loved ones.

Grief may remain a part of the family story, but it no longer has to lead it. Instead, families can move forward with compassion—for the past, for each other, and for all the parts within.

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