When Mom is the Storm: Motherhood and BPD
- Noah Carroll
- May 12
- 3 min read
Updated: May 15
Growing up with a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can leave invisible scars—emotional confusion, fear of abandonment, hypervigilance, or a haunting sense that love is unpredictable. As adults, many children of BPD mothers struggle to understand why relationships feel unsafe or why they’re so hard on themselves. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate and powerful way to understand our wounded inner-selves.
Understanding the Inner World
IFS is built on a simple yet profound idea: we all have “parts”—different aspects of ourselves that hold memories, emotions, and beliefs. There’s no such thing as a “bad” part. Every part has a story and a role, often shaped in response to childhood experiences.
If you were raised by a BPD mother, you may recognize some of these parts:
The Pleaser: Always trying to keep mom calm or happy, this part learned early that safety came from avoiding conflict.
The Inner Critic: Shaped by years of being blamed or shamed, this part tries to keep you "in line" to avoid rejection.
The Exile: Holds deep sadness, fear, or longing—the vulnerable feelings pushed away because they weren’t safe to show.
The Angry Protector: Keeps others at a distance to avoid getting hurt again, sometimes sabotaging closeness.
The Legacy of BPD Parenting
Mothers with BPD often have intense emotional swings, difficulty managing their own abandonment fears, and sometimes use guilt, manipulation, or even rage to try to stay connected. For a child, this environment can feel like walking through a minefield, or navigating a vessel through a storm—never knowing what version of “mom” will show up.
As a result, many children of BPD mothers internalize the idea that love is conditional, and that their needs are too much or too dangerous to express. In contrast, ideally a mother functions as a "safe port" within the turbulent, stormy waves of childhood. A safe mother is a vessel herself: able to hold the emotional turbulence normal of childhood development, and to be present and calm for her children during the most volatile and stormy of times. A mother with BPD, in contrast, becomes the storm. Children of these mothers are often left without a safe harbor, and rather than learning to roll with their own emotions, they learn how to manage their mothers.
Meeting Your Parts with Compassion
IFS invites you to slow down and listen to our internal parts—not as problems to fix, but as protectors to understand. In IFS, healing happens when you connect with your Self—the calm, curious, compassionate core within you—and begin to build trusting relationships with your parts.
Some examples of how this might look:
You notice your Pleaser part working overtime in a relationship. Instead of criticizing it, you ask, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?”
Your Angry Protector pushes someone away. You pause and say, “I get that you’re trying to keep me safe. What are you protecting me from?”
You feel a wave of shame and collapse. Gently, you ask that part, “How old do you feel?”—and uncover a 7-year-old version of you, still longing for mom’s love.
Healing Doesn’t Require Blame
IFS doesn't require you to demonize your mother. In fact, many people discover that their mom also had unhealed parts—and that her BPD behaviors were protectors of her own childhood wounds. But recognizing this doesn’t mean you excuse abuse or neglect. It means you begin to unburden your parts from roles they no longer need to carry.
Practical Tips for Children of BPD Mothers Using IFS
Name and Befriend Your Parts: Start journaling conversations with them. What do they feel? What are they afraid of? When did they first show up?
Practice Self-Led Parenting: Show your vulnerable parts the love and consistency they never received. “I see you. You’re not too much. You matter.”
Set Boundaries Without Guilt: Protectors often fear what will happen if you stand up for yourself. Let them know you’re taking the lead now—with compassion, not control.
Work with a Trained IFS Therapist: While self-work is powerful, deep healing often needs a guide—especially when navigating trauma tied to early attachment wounds.
You Are Not Alone
Growing up with a BPD mother may have left you feeling like your emotions were a burden, your needs were dangerous, or your reality was constantly questioned. But the truth is: you are allowed to have needs, boundaries, and a voice.
IFS can help you reclaim your story—not by erasing the past, but by creating safety and connection in the present.
Your inner family is ready to be seen, heard, and healed.
Comments